Trump Survives Near-Decapitation with Nothing But a Golf Game and a Self-Written Doctor’s Note

 

Trump Survives Near-Decapitation with Nothing But a Golf Game and a Self-Written Doctor’s Note

In what can only be described as a miraculous fusion of Rambo, The Bible, and The Producers, Donald J. Trump has reportedly survived a close-range assassination attempt involving an AR-15 round — walking away with nothing but a minor scrape, a press release disguised as a doctor’s note, and presumably a fresh boost to his merch sales.

The medical report, issued by one Dr. Ronnie “I Write What Daddy Tells Me” Jackson, assures the public that Trump is in “excellent health” and sustained only a 2 cm flesh wound. No ER visit. No surgery. No actual medical documentation. But don’t worry — he still “plays golf frequently and wins.” Yes, that’s literally in the letter, because nothing says "I'm alive" like dominating your retirement hobby like it's a military simulation.

Let’s pause and appreciate the sheer gall here. The former president gets grazed by a military-grade bullet and somehow his entire medical response is handled by a disgraced Navy doctor turned MAGA hype man who once called Trump a “genetic marvel.” The same Ronnie Jackson who praised Trump’s body as if he were forged in the fires of Olympus and not, you know, constructed mostly of Adderall residue and KFC grease.

The funniest part? This is Trump’s second fake medical letter. The first one, written in 2015 by Dr. Harold Bornstein, declared Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” — a line so sycophantic it was clearly ghostwritten by someone with small hands and a very large ego. Later, Bornstein admitted Trump dictated it himself. The man literally ghostwrote his own health.

So here we are again. A former president releases a one-page miracle memo that reads more like a Yelp review for Mar-a-Lago’s brunch menu than a legitimate trauma report, and the media covers it with a straight face. No CT scans. No imaging. No hospital records. Just vibes.

Let’s not pretend this is about health. This is Trump LARPing as an invincible war hero, trying to pull off a Reagan-meets-Jesus arc while avoiding jail. The bullet didn’t just graze his ear — it caressed his martyr complex. And the crowd goes wild.

This myth-making isn’t even subtle anymore. Trump doesn’t want to release medical records; he wants to star in them. He’s reinvented himself as a man so robust he can survive a military-grade assault, skip the ER, and tee off by noon. He’s not asking to be believed — he’s daring you not to believe, because disbelief is the first step to dissent, and dissent is the thing he’s trying to kill (metaphorically… for now).

It’s classic strongman theater. Not “I’m healthy.” No, it’s: “I cannot be killed.” Which is exactly the message his base wants. They don’t want a man; they want a god. A bulletproof messiah who tweets, bleeds gold, and wins golf tournaments with one ear.

Let’s also remember that this is the same guy who melted down over Hillary Clinton having a cough. Fox News ran full conspiracies about her neurological fitness. But when Trump releases a forged note after allegedly surviving a headshot from a weapon designed for war, it’s met with reverence. No follow-ups. No questions. Just polite applause from a media machine terrified of calling BS because it might seem “biased.”

So here’s the real diagnosis: America’s information immune system is shot. Trump fakes a letter and instead of being laughed out of the room, he’s allowed to float this nonsense in front of a camera, surrounded by Secret Service agents who’ve apparently taken an oath to defend his fantasy life.

The moral of the story? If you’re going to lie, lie big. And if you’re Trump, lie so big that reality itself seems like the conspiracy. Because if there's one thing worse than being shot, it’s being irrelevant — and nothing resurrects the cult faster than a brush with death, especially if you survive it with hair intact and a totally real doctor to vouch for your manhood.